11 alternative secrets to a happy marriage

11 alternative secrets to a happy marriage

So apparently today is National Boyfriend Day. Now let’s be serious, do they need to have more encouragement? To be equal and fair I have just found out that National Girlfriends Day is August 1st, Wives Appreciation Day is the third Sunday in September and Husband Appreciation day is April 21st. I’ve duly noted them in my diary and… ahem… I’m expecting a card Mr Mumsy! We’ve been married nearly 4 years now, which is the same amount of time we were together before we pledged “till death do us part”. So here are my 11 alternative secrets to a happy marriage.

1. Thou shall agree to takeaways when offered.

The secret to keeping your other half sweet is to agree to a takeaway when requested by the other. Usually, this follows a long day either at work or maybe parenting, and is usually suggested by the one designated to cook that night. If you want to eat that night, it is recommended you agree, as if refused, the meal you will receive will be made with the least care and attention, leading to regret about saying no.

2. Thou shall argue about who filled the dishwasher last.

We are all guilty of leaving plates and cups NEXT to the dishwasher when it is full of clean bits and bobs. It is compulsory that (at least) once a week you argue over who’s turn it is to empty and fill the thing. Heated discussions over turns, load ratios (did it only have a half load last time compared to the mountain of dirty dishes now?) and other housework completed that day.

3. Thou shall not eat all the chocolate.

If there is chocolate in the fridge, never EVER eat it all. If you want to keep your fingers then leave at least a little bit left, or buy some pronto.

4. Thou shall use air freshener in the toilet.

‘Nuff said, no one needs to smell “that”.

5. Thou shall not be a backseat driver.

If being driven, be grateful and keep your mouth shut. I’m pretty sure marriages have completely broken down over driving quibbles.

6. Thou shall not comment on items that arrive in the post.

Just pretend you haven’t seen the 14 Amazon packages, 3 ASOS orders and 2 jiffy bags that have arrived with the courier that week. It will only lead to despair.

7. Thou shall nod and agree when the other is moaning.

Never stoke the fire, just listen and nod whilst the betrothed moans. Questioning reasoning will only lead to misery.

8. Thou shall not kill their partner when they have a cold.

Manflu – or whatever you want to call it. Do not, I repeat DO NOT plot for the murder of your spouse whilst they have a cold. “They were acting like a sick toddler” will not stand up in court.

9. Thou shall make hot water bottles upon request.

If one is cold, the other must promise to make a hot water bottle for the other, lest one being chilly for the evening.

10. Thou shall make sure there is a constant supply of coffee.

If it runs out, you need to run out. No one is happy when coffee isn’t involved. Read – I will not cooperate or function unless I have had 2 cups in the morning, I will not be blamed for my flouncy mood in the absence of caffeine.

11. Thou shall not leave dirty pants next to the washing basket.

Why are you putting pants less than 12 inches away from the basket? Equal offenders include single socks and one lonely t-shirt on the bathroom floor. Just. Put. It. In. The. Bloody. Basket!

“Do you have any tips for a happy marriage? Every day is a learning curve but let’s face it, if you keep your significant other fed and watered, you’re probably onto a winner.”

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1 Comment

  1. October 3, 2018 / 11:39 am

    I felt myself nodding along to every one, you are spot on!
    I’d add, Thou shalt not complain of tiredness and use it as an excuse to not go shopping when it was your decision to stay up until 3am on the Playstation.
    And yes, I’ve had murdering thoughts.

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