Love Island/The Getting Old Simulator

You make ME feel like a rainbow!

You make ME feel like a rainbow!

My friends I have some devastating news, of which I’m sure you’ll agree. Love Island ends next week… I genuinely think I need a moment to compose myself before I continue…

I feel like a rainbow, I feel like a rainbow.

Sorry, I’m back with you now. For those that don’t know, ITV2 have excelled themselves in getting us 20 something’s obsessed with another group of 20 something’s, that are much more attractive than us.

The MO is pretty much: spend 6 weeks in Majorca generally bumming about and having “rumpy pumpy”/getting drunk and cooking badly every day. It’s a piece of reality genius. Of which I am completely and utterly hooked.

One thing that has become apparent from 6 weeks of televisual bliss is that I am, in fact, OLD. At the ripe old age of 25 I am no longer down with the lingo that mere 24 year olds use. Some terms I have no idea about are:

  • Pie-ing off – to me is merely a way of getting your uneaten apple pie into the bin, rather than a term for dumping someone who you don’t really know.
  • Cracking on – a term I use for a woman who is progressing quickly with her labour. Not a euphemism for having sex with a guy… which I suppose could lead to her “cracking on” in 9 months time I guess?
  • Searching for a spider – I have to pay special thanks to the narrator Iain Sterling for this one, but to me, this is literally searching for a 8 legged creature. Not a lame excuse as to why you are locked in a bathroom with a man who you subsequently have sexy time with.

In all honesty. ITV2 need a National Television Award for creating a modern-day Shakespearean masterpiece with quotes such as:

“You make me feel like a rainbow”


“You make me feel like a unicorn”

Thank you Johnathan for those in particular. The producers have also managed the unimaginable by making the super-villain Jess be turned into someone I actually quite like and wouldn’t mind winning.

Love Island also dabbles in modern-day politics by having a regular party, which I can only assume is to support the different political groups. With a “green party” and a “white party”. I’m waiting with bated breath for the producers to bring in Boris for the “blue party”, which is surely on the horizon? Who will he crack on with?

Whilst I sit on my birthing ball and eagerly await Boris in a Speedo, I will leave you all, praying that Love Island returns for a second series next year. I haven’t enjoyed anything this much since “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”. Didn’t I tell you I had amazing taste in tele?

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