9 (alternative) things you never thought would happen as a mum

9 (alternative) things you never thought would happen as a mum

When you get passed your baby after you’ve given birth, you expect that life is going to change forever. You want that to happen because you’ve wished for this little bundle for a very long time. But there are so many other things that you just don’t anticipate, things that had not even registered on your radar. We all know the usual culprits – sleep deprivation; having zero time for yourself and the multitude of development challenges, be it weaning, co-sleeping or potty training. Here are the things about being a mum I bet you didn’t think would be on the list when you gave birth…

1. Walking around your house will be like walking through a prison.

Just a few of the “stair” gates that adorn our house.

Once they’re walking you’ll have more stair gates than you have individual stairs in your house. One for the kitchen, one for the bathroom, one for the living room and oh, perhaps one on the actual stairs. You never anticipated how quickly the little people move and before you know it they’re eating the cat food… oh so add another one for that too. It’s no quick journey from one end of the house to the other and if you’re rushing for a wee, then you’d better make sure you’re good at hurdling!

2. You will wonder why the words came out of your mouth.

Pre-kids you were always going to be the parent who would nurture your child and not shout. You’d teach them all day and they’d never watch TV.

But here you are now and you’re saying classics like “stop putting your finger on the cat’s bum” or “can you stop putting the broccoli in the toy pram?”.

Nope, never saw that one coming.

3. Netflix has “fudged” up your suggested shows.

9 (alternative) things you never thought would happen when you became a mum. Mumsymidwife.com Netflix

Yup, you didn’t always go on the “Kids” section when you searched for Paw Patrol or *a personal household favourite* Santa’s Apprentice and now it’s not showing you RuPaul and the latest episodes of The Walking Dead but the latest release of Barbie Life in the Dream House and Luna Petunia – both will a 100% match rating. FML.

4. Going out is a threefold level of dread.

And I’m not talking about leaving the house with a toddler either. You so desperately want to go out and have some time with your friends and perhaps have a nice meal, but there is a threefold level of dread for just stepping over the threshold.

1. You know you’re going to be out late and it means the usual 8 pm bedtime will be more like, ahem, 10 pm.

2. You worry the whole time that the baby/toddler is still awake and will be causing merry hell for the poor unwitting partner/family member/babysitter.

3. You have to make the decision whether to drink or not – one that would’ve been a given pre-kids. And if you DO drink…

5. Alcohol is now your worst enemy.

 

You do decide to drink and when one turns into 5 you know that when the little’un starts crying at 5 am you’re going to feel like a woman raised from the dead.

You’ll question every decision you’ve ever made and, my God, you know that will be the day of the smelliest poos, worst behaviour and the most plans.

Let’s face it, it’s likely to involve soft play.

6. Your whole style has changed.

When you do have that one night out a year, you realise your whole style has changed and instead of opting for a bodycon figure-hugging dress you have a “nice” baggy top and some clean leggings on. Well, let’s face it a “nice” top and leggings, or maybe the mum-jegging if you’re being fancy, is all you wear now. Most of the time it’s full of baby stains and was bought from a supermarket in haste – definitely no River Island and Topshop now hun!

7. Your boobs are now a member of the family.

They could’ve been used to feed your baby or not… but either way they are now a different entity. Either they’ve grown and become a whole new pair of puppies or they’re like tennis balls in a sock… your once pert pretties are now another member of your family and require a whole set of styling just for themselves!

8. As are your periods.

Since giving birth they’ve now taken on a new role and each month they make sure you pay the price for having the good grace to have a baby. Do you like cramps?  ‘Cus you’ve got ’em! What a lovely “healthy” reminder of what contraction pains are like. I’m sure you wanted to remember that bit, hey? Oh, and don’t forget that most mum’s end up getting a Mooncup or something similar… just because you don’t have the damn time to keep going to the toilet!

9. Your date nights are drab.

When you go out with your partner you won’t enjoy the high life like before.

Instead, you’ll use a voucher code for Pizza Express and drink tap water whilst you spend the whole time talking about your kids. How cute they are, how proud you are, how amazing they are and how you miss them.

Yup, just 2 hours away and you forget all the sh*t they did that day that made you crazy, and how you promised you’d sell them to the circus if they asked “why?” one more time. Spoiler – they said it another 100 times but you didn’t follow through as you don’t actually know how to sell them to the circus.

Being a Mum is HARD. If you knew all this stuff you’d have thought twice about getting pregnant, right? Yeh, no I didn’t think so. It is a rollercoaster of awesome and awful… and it isn’t always 50/50. Just make sure that you enjoy it as much as you can and take 2 paracetamol and a pint of water before you go to bed when you’ve been out-out. Other than that, you’ve just got to wing it, I’m afraid… one day they’ll move out.

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