The final stretch… and sweep.

The final stretch… and sweep.

The beauty of pregnancy is the wonderful sensation of a life growing within your belly; feeling those movements and knowing that you have fulfilled your role as a woman by growing a human.

Until the last few weeks.

All you want then is this fricking baby to vacate the premises. For me, the 2 week eviction notice has been served. How much longer must I suffer the pain of an unproductive wee; constipation and constant braxton -“they don’t hurt”- hicks?! Oh, and not forgetting the SPD.

Being 35 weeks now, it is all to play for and I am currently in the predicament of, “Will it be 14 sleeps or 49?!”. Yet it’s too soon for the hot curries and pineapple cores, but long enough to feel thoroughly miserable and that dynamite is a viable option…

I am counting down the days until my 37 week golden window where I can legitimately follow the bogus traditions of labour induction at home. There are many old wives’ tales of inducing labour, including:

  • A bumpy car ride.
  • The thriller dance.
  • Pineapple core.
  • Hot curries.
  • Walking.
  • Curb walking – with one leg on the path and the other on the road – turn and repeat.
  • Raspberry leaf tea.
  • Sex.
  • Castor oil (please don’t try this one, it is not a good idea).
  • Nipple stimulation (yum)

And a delightful dose of:

  • Steaming coffee grounds placed in the toilet. For this you should put the steaming filter in the bowl and sit steaming your ladybits for at least 20 minutes. Please don’t scald your business end on the steam, that won’t make for a happy experience for anyone involved. Apart from the GP and midwife that you explain your predicament to.

For the record, in my experience, the only things that actually work are sex and anything that gives you diarrhoea. And cervical membrane stretch and sweeps. Your midwife may have magic fingers and get you into labour with that. I had success of 6 sweeps working in one day once (I was not popular on labour ward that shift). Myself, I can’t bloody wait until my due date sweep… perhaps an unusual thing to be excited for. My poor midwife friend perhaps isn’t counting down the same way I am.

However, my midwife brain is currently disengaging; I am getting the full list ready and deciding which I will try first. I know that the majority don’t work, but I’m sure as hell going to give them a go. Desperate times call for desperate measures and I will take no chances when it comes to getting into labour. Who knows, perhaps a bumpy car ride may be the magic I need. I doubt it, but for now I am a mummy; miserable and pregnant and willing to pay for all the tea in China if it will mean this is done and dusted in 2 weeks…

Then come the posts about sleepless nights, when I wish she would go back in and give me some peace!

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