I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing

I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing

You read that right, I haven’t got a freaking clue if I’m doing this parenting thing right. I’ll tell you the truth I’m winging it all the time; every single day. I’m not even sure that I am doing the adulting thing right either, I may have a mortgage and a career but when it comes to meal planning and being a proper grown up sometimes I just want to sleep in bed until noon, then play loud (and badly written) teenage angst music and eat chocolate. But I guess those days have gone.

Do you have a clue what you’re doing? Bringing up a tiny person that is completely reliant on you is a bit of a mine-field, they tend to have a radar for the most dangerous activities and time it perfectly for when you do something, like sneezing – how dare you do that(!), and aren’t concentrating for a millisecond.

I’ve been pretty vocal about the fact we followed Gina Ford when our daughter was younger, she settled into because she liked the familiarity day-to-day. But we also started controlled crying at 6 months, another controversial approach to parenting, however, one that the health visitors recommended in our area. Our daughter wasn’t easy, month 1 was only the beginning, she would cry for up to 8 hours a day up until she reached about 7 months old. We felt that controlled crying was our only option. It seemed to work for us, although it took a long time for her to learn to self-settle.

We never left her to cry it out, that would have been a step too far for us to manage, but now we’re at 10 months I’m faltering. I made the rookie mistake of looking back after I was leaving her for the next 5-minute wait and her tiny little face just broke my heart. She is a little girl rather than a baby now, and the look of pure despair was just awful. It was like she thought I didn’t love her anymore. In that moment, I went against all the controlled crying rules and picked her up and cuddled her. I just couldn’t stand to see her so bereft, and even the tiniest thought that she may think I don’t love her made me panic. What if I’m doing it all wrong? And I realised I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing! But then again, do any of us? When we’re kids we think adults have got it all sorted and they know exactly how to run their adult lives, but now we’re there we realised that they were winging it too.

So I’m asking you, did you have a moment where you realised you really didn’t know how to be a parent? What was it and what did you do? Because I sure as hell don’t know what I’m doing.

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